Hardcore Boehner Goes Flaccid
(only to come out on top)

It should come as almost no surprise that the stiff John Boehner has once again been elected as America’s House Speaker, though the narrow margin of his victory is quite shocking. Needing 214 votes to seal-the-deal, Boehner peaked at 220, giving him another chance to be on top.

Boehner’s chances of re-election were lessened due in part to his brushing aside a $60 million relief effort package for victims of Superstorm Sandy, a decision New Jersey Governor Chris Christie later claimed was utterly “disgusting” and the result of Republicans’ “putting politics ahead of their responsibilities.” However, Christie’s disapproval might be slightly disingenuous and over-the-top, considering that Boehner did, indeed, recently opt for a tax-raising fiscal cliff solution, a soft, liberal position Republicans see as falling short of conservative ideology.  Mitch McConnell, the Senate House Minority Leader, also agreed on the same fiscal cliff measure, putting he and fellow Boehner both in the same, small political bed. 

Is John Boehner human after all?  His November 2012 ejaculations feel warm and encouraging:  “Mr President, this is your moment. We’re ready to be led.  Not as Democrats or Republicans but as Americans. We want you to lead not as a liberal or a conservative but as president of the United States of America.”

Jessica Simpson to Name Her New Baby “Bart”

Well, not really . . .

Jessica Simpson, the famous but ignorant spokesperson for Weight Watchers, has recently confirmed, via Twitter, that she’ll be passing along her inferior genetics to yet another offspring. That fetus is already crying in the womb.

After gaining fifty pounds during her last pregnancy, Simpson now understands how difficult it can be to shed that unsightly extra baby-weight. Actually bearing the child did little to nothing to aid Simpson in getting back to her famous bombshell good looks. Simpson even tried to “hide” her weight “blemish” by smearing ProActiv® around her midsection. That attempt would obviously fail. Receiving wind of Simpson’s dilemma, Weight Watchers decided that Simpson was the best possible spokesperson for the company, with Simpson later agreeing to a $3 million contract to look pretty and to say only a few words during each public appearance.

 

Nick Lachey, the former husband of Simpson who is now married to television personality Vanessa Minnillo, says he’s “quite sure that Jessica could have lost that disgusting weight if she tried [using good judgment], but completing tough tasks in life is a quality that she never displayed during our marriage.” Off the record, Lachey was seen ramming his head into a brick wall while uttering the words, “I can’t believe I married her.”  Lachey was later rushed to the local hospital, where doctors uncovered “emotional scarring” behind his eyes.

But Simpson is currently rejecting her special Weight Watcher’s diet while pregnant, citing that Weight Watchers “just ain’t the right food while you’re carrying a baby.” The weight loss company is standing by her decision, but reports say that the Weight Watchers’ R&D team is working on a radical dietary proposal, not only get those fat bitches skinny again, but also to supplement the new food with extra vitamins, nutrients, and a top-secret chemical formula, in attempts to enhance their current and future clientele’s less than optimal genetic makeup.

Results In: 97% of Americans Perceive Karl Rove as Worthless

Karl Rove, America’s Biggest Bonehead

50 STATES – The Dupp Poll, a measurement (created by analyst and pollster Maye Dupp) based upon the “perceived worth” of things or individuals, found that 97% of Americans perceive Karl Rove to be a complete waste of human space.

The Dupp Poll asks participants a series of 13 questions, such as “Does this person make life better?” and “Does this person harm society?” Each answer is assessed on a Lickert scale measurement model of 1 through 5, with 1 being a perception of “Strongly Agree”, with a 5 indicating a perception of “Strongly Disagree.” Slanted News took to the streets and asked 9,994 people, from all 50 states, what they perceived was the worth of Fox News analyst Karl Rove.

The polling results pertaining to Karl Rove’s worthlessness are mostly unremarkable, but they are slightly higher than Slanted News’ initial 95% hypothesis. Some participants even felt that the scale failed to bring out just how pathetic Karl Rove really is. Most Americans perceive Karl Rove to be a stupid individual who cares only about rich Republicans and incorrectly predicting election results. These Rovian concerns are also strikingly similar to those shared by “Papa Bear” Bill O’Reilly.

Fox News has recently received word of this poll and has decided to cut back on the amount of air time Karl Rove will be allotted. In like fashion, and after much soul-searching, Fox News believes the Dupp Poll would have projected similar results for Dick Morris. Although Fox News personnel claimed that they can’t reasonably fire Bill O’Reilly, because he’s America’s most watched cable television news commentator, they do believe O’Reilly’s days of news popularity are coming to an end.